New Starts
I'm writing this procrastinating on getting my shit together today. Although I do need to start documenting and journaling more and my handwriting is painful.
Here's the deal. I'm 36 turning 37 in 13 weeks. I just went through a breakup that was more painful than my divorce with a man I thought was my soulmate.
Plot twist, he was not.
I now find myself weighing 206 lbs and with a good 20 grand of credit card debt. Not really how I pictured crushing adulthood. However, I also find myself game fully employed as an ED RN, backed by a solid group of friends I'd even go so far as to call my tribe if I'm staying on trend. I just renewed the lease on my place for a year in my epic high rise building in beautiful downtown San Diego and I'm fully settled into my home. Boy wonder was going to move in and, well, had been saying that for years so I always held space for him. But now I find myself only responsible for me and I can't say any decisions or actions are anyone's fault but mine. Scary. Here's what I learned from my relationship. I have terrible boundaries and not just with people but with myself. And I also learned that I'm enough just as I am. I don't need to and never should look to someone to make me cool. Truly. I 100% believed this man made me cool by association. I was a touch blind.
So my goal now is living life with my eyes open. I checked out almost nightly and numbed up with food and alcohol. Nightly. I was so sad for so long not fully living my best life and holding all this space for someone who was never going to show up. And all that empty space I held I just filled with food and drinks and good ol Amazon Prime and Netflix. Well, I'm not holding that space anymore so I need to change what has become a habit for 3 years. That's a long time. I don't expect perfection but I do expect change. I'm curious if this evening drinking has been because I was sad and not wanting to face reality or if I really have a food and drinking problem. Or a refusal to live in reality problem. I've definitely become more soft mentally. I don't feel sharp at work and I don't push myself like I used to.
I have every tool available and so many opportunities right now. Like if Lori Harder, my fitness soul guru gal and I did a body switch, she would have no problem in my place getting everything back on track. I have 3 gym memberships, 24hour, Crossfit and a climbing gym. A great job, supportive friends, wonderful location, access to the beautiful outdoors and any healthy food you could ask for. I work day shift so no crazy night shift schedule. I have a Costco membership and multiple farmers markets available to me. A fully equipped kitchen and a gym in my building for heaven's sake. And a car that works.
It's all me. And it's all internal. So I'm quitting the booze for 7 days to see how I feel. And I'm going to go Keto for 7 days as well. I know 30 60 90 days is more typical and maybe this is just proof of how little I believe in myself. But maybe after 7 days I'll believe in myself a little more, and I'll do another 7 days.
But no more hiding from myself. I'm just going to have to sit with myself in the evenings and not float away. That's 100% going to be the hardest.
I've also decided that I'm going to use working out as my sweetie. You know how in a solid relationship it's like holding up a mirror to yourself, you see all the good but also all the bad? Working out and struggling is that for me, I see where I want to be a victim and find excuses and I see where I can take deep breaths and push forward.
I just took up climbing and went ice climbing last week. So many conversations were had with myself on the face of the ice. I want to develop that. I want to go into every workout ready to learn something new or to get a little more gritty, a little more humble.
So those are my starters, this week, Keto and no Booze and get some workouts in, next week, who knows?
Today I'm going to get my face frozen (yes, the botox, it's my annual upkeep) and then hit Costco on the way home for groceries and then its clean, clean and throw away things (ie: all ex-reminding things and booze) and prep for my new years me. Yes, its February but you get to start over any time you damn well choose. Maybe I'll get ambitious and put up before pics. In the meantime, here is me ice climbing. Lesson of the day, even if you are out of shape and overweight you can still enjoy nature and learn new sports. I can't wait to get better at it and not be pulling 200+ lbs up that ice. That was hard, but I loved it. Oh, fun side note, the very first time I was going up the ice last week happened at exactly the same time my friend was meeting my Ex to get my keys back and have the final exchange of things. It was the closing of a very large chapter of my life while opening up my very own choose your own adventure book. Here's to making good choices.
Here's the deal. I'm 36 turning 37 in 13 weeks. I just went through a breakup that was more painful than my divorce with a man I thought was my soulmate.
Plot twist, he was not.
I now find myself weighing 206 lbs and with a good 20 grand of credit card debt. Not really how I pictured crushing adulthood. However, I also find myself game fully employed as an ED RN, backed by a solid group of friends I'd even go so far as to call my tribe if I'm staying on trend. I just renewed the lease on my place for a year in my epic high rise building in beautiful downtown San Diego and I'm fully settled into my home. Boy wonder was going to move in and, well, had been saying that for years so I always held space for him. But now I find myself only responsible for me and I can't say any decisions or actions are anyone's fault but mine. Scary. Here's what I learned from my relationship. I have terrible boundaries and not just with people but with myself. And I also learned that I'm enough just as I am. I don't need to and never should look to someone to make me cool. Truly. I 100% believed this man made me cool by association. I was a touch blind.
So my goal now is living life with my eyes open. I checked out almost nightly and numbed up with food and alcohol. Nightly. I was so sad for so long not fully living my best life and holding all this space for someone who was never going to show up. And all that empty space I held I just filled with food and drinks and good ol Amazon Prime and Netflix. Well, I'm not holding that space anymore so I need to change what has become a habit for 3 years. That's a long time. I don't expect perfection but I do expect change. I'm curious if this evening drinking has been because I was sad and not wanting to face reality or if I really have a food and drinking problem. Or a refusal to live in reality problem. I've definitely become more soft mentally. I don't feel sharp at work and I don't push myself like I used to.
I have every tool available and so many opportunities right now. Like if Lori Harder, my fitness soul guru gal and I did a body switch, she would have no problem in my place getting everything back on track. I have 3 gym memberships, 24hour, Crossfit and a climbing gym. A great job, supportive friends, wonderful location, access to the beautiful outdoors and any healthy food you could ask for. I work day shift so no crazy night shift schedule. I have a Costco membership and multiple farmers markets available to me. A fully equipped kitchen and a gym in my building for heaven's sake. And a car that works.
It's all me. And it's all internal. So I'm quitting the booze for 7 days to see how I feel. And I'm going to go Keto for 7 days as well. I know 30 60 90 days is more typical and maybe this is just proof of how little I believe in myself. But maybe after 7 days I'll believe in myself a little more, and I'll do another 7 days.
But no more hiding from myself. I'm just going to have to sit with myself in the evenings and not float away. That's 100% going to be the hardest.
I've also decided that I'm going to use working out as my sweetie. You know how in a solid relationship it's like holding up a mirror to yourself, you see all the good but also all the bad? Working out and struggling is that for me, I see where I want to be a victim and find excuses and I see where I can take deep breaths and push forward.
I just took up climbing and went ice climbing last week. So many conversations were had with myself on the face of the ice. I want to develop that. I want to go into every workout ready to learn something new or to get a little more gritty, a little more humble.
So those are my starters, this week, Keto and no Booze and get some workouts in, next week, who knows?
Today I'm going to get my face frozen (yes, the botox, it's my annual upkeep) and then hit Costco on the way home for groceries and then its clean, clean and throw away things (ie: all ex-reminding things and booze) and prep for my new years me. Yes, its February but you get to start over any time you damn well choose. Maybe I'll get ambitious and put up before pics. In the meantime, here is me ice climbing. Lesson of the day, even if you are out of shape and overweight you can still enjoy nature and learn new sports. I can't wait to get better at it and not be pulling 200+ lbs up that ice. That was hard, but I loved it. Oh, fun side note, the very first time I was going up the ice last week happened at exactly the same time my friend was meeting my Ex to get my keys back and have the final exchange of things. It was the closing of a very large chapter of my life while opening up my very own choose your own adventure book. Here's to making good choices.
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